In honor of March 3rd’s wonderfully wacky national holiday “If Pets Had Thumbs”, we compiled a list of things your furry (or not so furry) friends would probably do if they did indeed have opposable thumbs.
What Would Dogs Do If They Had Thumbs?
- Open the Fridge! You know they’ve been watching us and have already mapped out their plan on where the best snacks are.
- Eat Peanut Butter out of the jar. Even if they have to climb the counters, or open the pantry to get to it!
- Throw the ball or frisbee for themselves, or better yet, learn how to throw a boomerang!
- Learn how to text their owners when we’re away.
- First of all, we don’t think dogs would type much. They’d rely heavily on emojis.
- Second of all, we suspect their syntax would be awful. Think Yoda mixed with Dug from Up. We would constantly be seeking philosophical insights from our pet’s poorly phrased posts. Emojis.
- We think dogs would primarily text nouns and love words. And heart emojis.
- You’d be constantly interrupted at work with questions such as: Where are you? When will you be home? Is it time for you to come home yet? Are you here yet? Are you almost here yet? You know, emojis are better.
- The real danger is if our dogs learned to text restaurant deliveries. We would be broke and they’d be fat. Penniless and plump is not how we want to go out. Hide your phones!
What If Cats Had Thumbs?
Believe it or not, some cats do have “thumbs”! Cats with extra toes and fingers are called polydactyl cats, and sometimes an extra finger can look just like a thumb. This genetic mutation is generally harmless, and cats can’t use this “thumb” in the same way that we do. So what if cats had thumbs they could use? Here’s what we would like cats to use their thumbs for, and what they’d actually do with them.
What We Would Like Cats To Use Their Thumbs For:
- Clean their litter box. An opposable thumb would allow cats to grasp the litter scoop, carry the pan and sweep the floor. Scratch that idea. Let them flush the toilet.
- Food prep and measurements. It takes a thumb to slice and dice and grasp a measuring cup or dispense food. Of course, we would have to mark the cup and verify they didn’t double dip. On second thought, this might not be such a good idea. Then again, celebrity cat chefs would be pretty awesome.
- Walk our dogs. We know this sounds far-fetched and probably wouldn’t work in every furry family, but our clinic cats Frankie respects our dogs. So much that we believe if Frankie could carry a leash, he could tag-team safe, responsible walks. The dogs would oblige Frankie and prance alongside at a sensible pace. That’s something we would love to see.
- Take selfies. Cats love to admire their regal selves. Give them a thumb and you’ll get more selfies than a Kardashian. Better increase your data plan.
What Cats Would Actually Use Their Thumbs For:
- Comb their fur. A thumb is the foundation for combing. No more waiting on lazy humans to stroke their luscious locks.
- Program super computers; take over planet. Forget Artificial Intelligence and aliens conquering our species, this is humanity’s true threat. If you see cats sprouting thumbs, better head for the hills.
- Hitchhike. We see a world with millions of cats thumbing for rides, causing congestions and highway havoc, heading for nature parks. That is, until cats program cars and robots to transport them around town.
- Pinch people. That takes the risks of being a veterinarian to new levels. Ouch.
- Open cat scratch services and kneading parlors. If they can’t program robots, they’d start making money performing these high-demand feline services on each other.
- Rate movies and food. Thumbs up or down. It’s a big deal. Six-toed cats would be in high demand as celebrated critics. Four-thumbs up is twice as good as two.
Every now and then, it’s good fun to let your mind wander and explore outlandish ideas, like what if cats and dogs had opposable thumbs? Now, if you’ll excuse us, We need to go examine our clinic cat for any suspicious articulations. The fate of our species depends on it…